“Why focus on the children and not the parents?”
It’s simple. Polygamy is a choice , not an accident or coincidence.
The adults chose it. The children don’t. Yet, it’s the children who carry the consequences the longest.
That’s why I’m telling our story.
💔 Fake smiles. Quiet tears. A childhood shaped by decisions made by parents in bedrooms and boardrooms, but lived by the child.
📖 My blog , and soon my book, is on the way.
It shares my journey as a child of polygamy. It features the raw, unfiltered voices of others who lived it too.
We were once silent. Now grown. Now speaking. Can our voices change the narrative? Well, lets find out soon.
✨Join me in my blog series:
“Is Polygamy a Mess? Voices of the Child of Polygamy”
We’re about to find out.
here is a teaser of what to expect:
Polygamy has been around for centuries, woven into cultural, religious, and sometimes economic narratives. Some call it tradition. Others call it freedom of choice. But no matter how it’s framed, one truth stands out boldly: polygamy is messy , especially for the children involved.
This isn’t a rant. It’s not an attack on anyone’s culture or beliefs. It’s a calm, logical look at the overlooked casualties of this lifestyle. These casualties include the children born into homes shaped more by competition than cohesion.
The Forgotten Stakeholders: Children Born Into Polygamous Homes
When adults enter a polygamous setup, they (at least theoretically) know what they’re signing up for. But the children? They don’t get a say. They don’t choose to be raised in a home split down the middle or sometimes into quarters.
Imagine a household where:
- Your “siblings” don’t feel like siblings , they feel like rivals.
- You’re closer to your mother’s side of the family than to your father or his other families.
- You constantly watch your parents compete for love, resources, and attention.
- Father is present , but emotionally unavailable or physically stretched too thin.
These aren’t exaggerations. They’re everyday realities.
In 2021, the African Population and Health Research Center conducted a study. It found that children from polygamous households are more likely to suffer from emotional neglect. These children tend to score lower in school. They also have a higher risk of anxiety and depression than those from monogamous homes.
Personal Stories: Real Lives, Real Impact from some correspondents I engaged
From the First Family
1. Miriam, 34
“When my dad married his second wife, I was 9. My mom stopped talking to him, and our home went silent. I started wetting the bed again. Not because I was scared , but because I felt invisible.”
2. James, 41
“We were always told to ‘understand’ because we were the first family. That meant less attention, fewer visits, and fewer gifts. I learned to pretend I didn’t care. But I did. I still do.”
3. Nyambura, 27
“My mom became depressed after the second marriage. She lost interest in everything including us. I was 11, trying to parent my younger siblings while watching my father build a new life next door.”
4. Kelvin, 30
“Dad came home once a week. It felt more like a ritual than love. I remember asking, ‘Why doesn’t he stay?’ Mom said, ‘He has another family now.’ I started believing I was less worthy of being stayed with.”
5. Janet, 36
“Our birthdays were never celebrated if they clashed with the second family’s events. It taught me early that my joy was conditional and usually second place.”
From the Second Family
6. Diana, 29
“Growing up, I always felt like the cause of another woman’s pain. My mom was the second wife, and people treated us like homewreckers. Schoolmates whispered. Church folks stared. I grew up feeling shame I didn’t create.”
7. Musa, 25
“I saw more fights than hugs in our house. My mom always argued with Dad about the first family ,the money, the time, the favoritism. I was 10 when I decided marriage wasn’t worth it.”
From Extra-Marital Affairs
8. Salome, 38
“He was never fully ours. He had a ‘real’ family. We were the secret family. Every time he visited, it felt like we were borrowing someone else’s father. That messes with a child’s sense of belonging.”
9. Brian, 33
“People called me a ‘mistake.’ My siblings from the legal family never accepted me. I spent most of my life trying to prove I existed not just legally, but emotionally.”
10. Esther, 31
“My mom thought she was the last woman, but he kept adding more. I was the child of the side chick who got replaced. I’ve battled abandonment issues for most of my life and I didn’t even know why until therapy.”
11. Faith’s Story – Age 27
“Growing up, I never really knew my dad. He lived with his other wife. We were the ‘other children.’ Every school event, it was just Mom. Even when he came, he favored my step-siblings. We felt like second-class kids in our own home.”
Faith isn’t bitter — she’s just honest. Her story isn’t unique. Children raised in these homes often grow up with emotional gaps they struggle to fill in adulthood.
Daniel’s Story – Age 34 (Nigeria)
“My siblings and I are close now , but as kids? We fought constantly. Our moms never liked each other, and that filtered down to us. Our dad? He avoided conflict by staying silent. Silence was his parenting strategy.”
So Who’s to Blame? A Calm Breakdown
Let’s look at the key players , not to shame, but to understand. They say it takes two to tango. In my own words, when it comes to polygamy, it takes three parties to tango. These parties are the man who chose polygamy. The first wife chooses to stay. Lastly, the subsequent wives who came in knowing what they are getting into. I will briefly discuss this since ill talk more in my upcoming series, this is just a snippet.
1. The Man Who Chose Polygamy
Let’s be real , he built the system. Whether by culture, religion, or personal desire, he made the decision to divide his love and presence. Most polygamous men don’t have enough emotional intelligence, financial resources, or time to maintain equity across multiple households.
Quote to remember:
“You can marry more than one woman, but you only have one heart and 24 hours a day.” Anonymous counselor in a 2022 BBC Africa documentary on polygamy.
2. The First Wife Who Stayed
This part is hard. Some stay because they feel financially or culturally trapped. Others stay for the children, regardless of the situation, continued participation means becoming part of the system.
Some first wives endure quietly. Others become emotionally unavailable or bitter. They usually pass that pain to their children without meaning to.
A wise person once said: “Children don’t need a perfect home. They need emotionally present parents. Bitterness, even when justified, suffocates a child’s sense of security.”
3. The Other Women Who Came In
Entering polygamy knowingly means becoming part of a complex dynamic. Whether for love, survival, or belief, these women must understand they are not just marrying a man. They are inheriting a legacy of emotional tension. They definitely will face potential resentment.
Unfortunately, in many households, favoritism becomes inevitable. And when women pit their children against each other directly, the psychological toll is enormous. Indirect competition also affects the kids significantly.
It’s Not About Judgment , It’s About Consequences
Some people argue, “Polygamy works when done right.” Sure , in theory. But how often is it actually done right? Without jealousy? Without favoritism? Without emotional absenteeism?
That’s like saying, “War can be peaceful if nobody shoots.” In real life, there’s always shooting , and in polygamy, the children often take the hit.
What some Research Says
- Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child notes a correlation between high-conflict homes and emotional regulation struggles in children. These children often face challenges in regulating their emotions. They also find it difficult to trust and maintain long-term relationship stability.
- A 2022 Nigerian social welfare report revealed findings on children’s emotional well-being. Children in polygamous families scored 33% lower in emotional well-being indicators than those in monogamous homes.
- In Kenya, Family Law experts have noted a rising number of adult siblings from polygamous homes fighting over inheritance. This issue is a result of poor planning. It also stems from unresolved childhood resentments.
So, Is It Always a Mess?
Not always , but often. Especially when:
- The man lacks emotional maturity ,time and importantly finances.
- The women compete instead of co-parenting.
- No one puts the children first.
If polygamy worked like a peaceful cooperative? Maybe. But for most, it’s like running multiple families with a split budget, split attention, and a fractured emotional core.
Before You Consider Polygamy… Ask Yourself:
Would you want to be a child in that setup?
Would you want to feel half-loved? Half-seen? Half-important?
If the answer is no , then maybe it’s not the setup we should be defending or romanticizing.
Final Thought:
Polygamy isn’t just about how many wives a man can have. It’s about how many whole, healthy children that system can raise , and that’s where the math often fails.
No child chooses where to be born or raised.
But the consequences , whether good or bad , echo into adulthood.
I am telling my story and that of a million others!
Blog Drops soon!!!!!!!
#TheChildDidn’tChoose #PolygamyUnmasked #ComingSoon #RealStories #HealingOutLoud
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